(ENG only) This is probably the hardest post I have ever thought of or ever written. And somehow the easiest. And scariest (I first wrote it on the 2nd April and never published it. Until now.). I don’t even know why exactly I am writing this, but it needs to be done. I have this pressing urge to get undressed of these negative feelings and take a huge weight off my chest, shoulders, brain, basically my whole body.
I have never been an easy person to be with. And the more I get older the more I am sure of it. It’s not a breeze for me either to be with me every single day.
Sometimes I can feel like the smallest person in the world. Afraid, naked, defenseless. Sometimes I am so tired and stressed out that I can’t sleep because anxiety and my brain that never stops keep me awake. Sometimes I feel trapped. Sometimes the tiniest thing can make me anxious, upset, sad, nervous, overwhelmed very easily. Sometimes I cry for what looks like apparently nothing. Sometimes I get lost in my thoughts, and then realize that my jaw muscles are strung tight. Sometimes the demons in my mind tell me that I am useless, worthless, a walking failure. Sometimes I put on a mask and pretend everything is fine, until I break down and the only one picking up the pieces is him, again. Sometimes I would give myself a high five just for managing to complete an entire day without looking like an idiot and sometimes I mentally punish myself for days if I do something wrong instead. Sometimes I am completely afraid of other people`s judgment and certain social situations, so I rather not show off and almost not talk, or do the exact opposite, talk like crazy just to avoid any awkward silence. Sometimes I’d rather not do something because I think it won’t be good enough, smart enough, interesting enough. Sometimes I am so scared of change and of making decisions that I rather keep on waiting and procrastinating and see if something happens and the world sort of makes the decisions for me. I can never really unwind, relax, hit the “pause” button, let go. I still think of and feel miserable for mistakes I did ages ago and that others probably don’t even remember. Sometimes I desperately try to hold on tight to the little things that spark joy, but I just keep losing my grip. Sometimes just the idea of going to work, facing social situations or being surrounded by people and leaving my cozy nest makes me feel stressed out, tired, overwhelmed. My ideal scenario for a day off right now is staying at home, enjoying a quiet day. Taking space and time for myself and trying to leave my worries and anxieties outside. But sometimes I can’t keep the door shut and they all come in like uninvited guests, they hunt me. Or maybe I am the one who lets them hunt me. No matter how hard I try, I find myself periodically facing days, weeks or months in which even easy tasks or easy decisions become huge mountains to climb and I`d rather stay home in bed watching Netflix not out of laziness but because I need to stay alone and feel comfortably numb in knowing that for a few hours I can feel safe. Sometimes my self esteem is so low that I am basically walking on it like it was the ugly doormat you clean your shoes on. Sometimes I see my body absorbing and manifesting stress more and more. Sometimes I binge eat, treating my body like crap because I don’t know how to deal with anxiety in other ways other than eating even though I am not that hungry. Sometimes I hate the way I look. Sometimes I feel overloaded, constantly thinking. Overthinking. I can almost feel my brain being pan fried, hurting, buzzing. I can’t stay focused on anything, I can’t grasp the moment, focus on the right here right now, I can’t even enjoy the present sometimes because I can’t focus on it. I feel like I am living in the wrong way. I keep on falling down and starting to get tired to get up with my own legs again. I’d like to find a steadier balance. I know it’s impossible to never fall, to never make a mistake, but there has to be a way to keep it together better, and to learn better and more every time there’s a fresh start.
I have always been lucky enough to have a good life. Good health, good family, good friends. I never had to face huge difficulties or extremely dramatic experiences. But still, I have always felt awkward about myself and I’ve always felt like something about me and about my life wasn’t right. I didn’t notice right away what it was, and I kept going on, pretending to be in charge of a life I didn’t know what I wanted from, and hiding behind a wall of self irony, “clownesque” comedy and frequent apologies. I tried to ignore that something was wrong and acted like everything was okay, and the more I was going on with my life, the more the insecurities were taking over. Suddenly but not so suddenly though, something broke. I couldn’t ignore it all anymore.
I started fighting against depression and embarked on a 4 year journey with a therapist. Seeing it written black on white and for everyone out there to read is a big deal for me. Thanks to therapy, I think I slowly managed to finally lead a life and make decisions I could be proud of. I became a bit stronger, I felt stronger. To the point where I left everything behind and moved to a different country after years of dreaming about it and crying over it. I felt ready for a life change. Looking back, there is so much I did and faced, so many things that the old me would have barely believed that I actually could face and accomplish. But a part of me has never changed. I know that happiness is not a destination, is a way of life, but that part of me is still convinced that I need to find that something, and then everything will be fine and I will finally feel “normal”. Call me naive or even stupid, but I wish I had a magic wand to help me fix what’s wonky, or at least I wish that life came with the freaking instruction manual. But nope, we’re all on our own, and if we are lucky enough we get to share our journey with someone who cares enough to stay by our side every single day. My someone has been by my side for almost 9 years. Whenever we’re together, I feel like nothing bad will happen and that I am fine, safe. And as much as I like the feeling of trusting him this much, I know that I need to build my own safety too and can’t rely exclusively on his. I need to figure out a way to take control over things again to the point where I could feel strong and powerful, again, like I did 4 years ago when I moved abroad (it didn’t actually last long because the first months of life abroad were like a fist in my face). I can see things clearly approaching and not even remotely close at the same time.
The last time I had a nervous breakdown, I couldn`t stop crying and I kept saying to myself that I am a failure. Because no matter how hard I try, a part of me will always feel like one. Regretting, comparing, feeling ashamed. I feel like I wasted my best years doing mistakes over and over again, big or small they might have been. And that last time I had a breakdown, I even told to myself that I am just a miserable joke of nature. I looked myself in the mirror when doing that and for a moment I got scared by the fact that I can be this spiteful to myself. And no matter how much people believe in me and how worthy or talented they see me, I don`t. Not as much as they do. Not as much as I should. Apparently to me it doesn`t matter what I did so far successfully, I`ll always see what I haven`t done yet or I failed at.
For months I kept on telling myself that I shouldn’t be sharing something so private, because “what if someone I know reads it? Acquaintances, co-workers, people I have to deal with on a regular basis?”. Being judged is hard, but it hurts more when you know the person those glances or words or non verbal messages are coming from. Well. I DON’T CARE ANYMORE. This is me at my purest form, for everyone to read it. So dear friend, co-worker, person I somehow know, if you’re reading this, maybe next time we bump into each other we’ll have something to talk about. Or maybe not. It’s up to you. 🙂
Why am I writing this then? Because I spent a big portion of my life thinking that I was wrong, broken, inadequate, not enough, and I needed to be fixed because no one or almost no one would accept me otherwise. Do I still feel like that? Yes. But I don’t want to feel ashamed anymore because I am more sensitive, introvert or different than others, or to put it simply, because I am me. When I read people posts on social media about the issues they had/have and that they share them unapologetically, it gives me strength, hope. It makes me feel like I am not alone and I am not wrong. Nobody should ever feel that way, nobody should ever feel worthless.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it, don’t be afraid to be who you are and to show it to the world, don’t be afraid to take some leaps and fight and work for what you want, because it`s going to be fine. And if for some reason it won`t, you won`t be alone. Don`t be afraid of showing your flaws and weaknesses because you now what? We`re humans, and we all have some. Don’t be afraid of the change, don’t think that you’re no good. And don’t be afraid to take care of yourself, no matter what.
It`s going to be hard af, but we can do it. We owe this to ourselves. We are beautifully enough and we are not alone.